I’ll Be Happy When...

June 28, 2019

 

In an attempt to bypass the hardships of the present and with my lack of patience I realized I am letting my life pass me by as I push through debris as quickly and recklessly as possible to get to the uncertain outcome expecting to find peace.

Peace, in my mind, has been in the future when little bits of broken pieces have mended themselves back together and I am finally living the life I thought I would be living at this point in my life.

Questions of “why?” have flooded my mind as if I would actually find an answer. Pointing fingers and blaming and saying “if only I had done this” or “said that” then things wouldn’t be as they are now. If only I had walked through the debris instead of attempting to run and in the process destroyed the few things that were still intact.

Impatience has been the little red devil sitting on my shoulder telling me that things need to happen now or better yet, yesterday. Impatience has been clogging up my thoughts and isolating me from the world that is flashing before my eyes.

I wake up and think where has the time gone and how the hell did I get here? The only answer I get is a vision of me running and pushing through without feeling, without emotion, without love, without patience, and certainly with an illusion of hope.

I’m slowly learning that no matter how fast I run or whatever I do to try to numb myself from feeling the things I don’t want to feel, I cannot change what is and I cannot control the outcome.

I can control my patience, I can control what I choose to pay attention to, I can control the love I share with others, I can control how I choose to respond. But I haven’t been functioning that way. I have been trying to control the outcomes, trying to rush through the hard moments, pushed my autopilot button and jut ran and tried to push away any and everything in my way.

I payed attention to the things that were standing in my way rather than the things that make my life beautiful today. I stripped myself of gratitude because I felt guilty being grateful for anything. I stopped myself from experiencing joy because to me joy and pain cannot exist simultaneously but I have now learned I was wrong.  

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